LIFE...& death

Several recent events have brought the memories of my dear friend Terry back into focus.

i usually handle my emotions well, or at least i would like to think so. When my grandparents both passed-on within a month of each other in 1998, i did not try to hide my emotions too much. i did so i could be there for my family, particularly my dad. But when it came time to say good-bye to my grandpa when everyone but the immediate family had left, i stepped up to my grandpa one final time and let my emotions overwhelm me. i cried harder than i think i ever have in my life and with no inhibitions. My brother and cousins surrounded and hugged me. Even now my eyes begin to tear up just thinking of him...of them...of that moment. You see grandpa and i, some say, were cut from the say cloth - which is the greatest compliment i, or anyone, could receive. i was not/ still am not anywhere near the man he was; but i still strive to be (though not enough; not everyday like i need to - see post below RE Wasting Time). Grandpa and i even looked alike. Since his death i have thought of him often and cried several times for him and my grandma.

But when my best-friend Terry died five years later in 2003 despite two years of advanced notice, i went numb relying on my cruise control to get me through. i even recall joking around at his funeral and in the 'pall-bearers' car with my best-friends that i had/have known for over 20 years. i even remember thinking shortly after the funeral that i did not cry and thinking it odd.

Terry was diagnosed with ALS - Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, better known as Lou Gehrig's disease, in 2001. Technically he was not diagnosed "with" ALS as ALS is not a disease they can diagnose; they actually eliminate all other possibilities until the only thing left is ALS. i recall being at the airport when Terry and his wife came back from The Mayo Clinic and told everyone right there in the airport. His wife understandably broke down and cried in her mother's arms. Terry did what he always does: smiles his wry-shoulder shrugging smile and said, "What are you going to do?" with his eyes as if it was no big deal.

(ALS is one of the worst diseases known to man. For those that do not know, ALS slowly strips a person of their motor/muscular functions starting from the toes and slowly crawling its insipid way up one's body until the afflicted person dies of respiratory failure because his brain can no longer tell the body to breathe. First muscle tremors, then limited use of one's feet, legs, hands, arms, then the ability to swallow one's saliva. Someone has to use suctions tubes, like those of a dentist, to vacuum out his saliva so he does not choke to death because he no longer has enough control to swallow. )

Over the next two years and three months we spent a lot of time together but never enough. We played golf - he beat me despite the unmistakable signs of ALS in Terry's legs. We played poker - Hi&Low his favorite. We watched movies - The Bourne Identity, specifically.

i spent the night with him a few times to both be with him and attempt to give his Heaven-sent wife a breath of a break. i once helped him go to the bathroom - #2 to be specific. Terry seemed to revel in those moments, in the fact that he was putting one of his best friends in very awkward positions and seeing just how i would handle it/them while he had no visible signs of embarassment. In fact, i am quite sure he enjoyed those moments of putting me in really odd situations. (i will save you the difficulty in reading about the specifics of those moments...for now. If...WHEN i write the book "How to Save a Life" you can read about the details; though, ever the one to shock those close to him, i can hear Terry now, "Aawwww, come on!")

On those nights, lying on the couch next to Terry's hospital bed in his living room listening as Terry struggled for each and every breath, something broke in me; something had to in order to survive. And i was only there temporarily. Terry's wife, and two young children, were there 24/7.

Terry was one of those rare individuals that could say all he needed to say with a look; no words, just a look (interestingly enough just like another man i love and seek to live up to: my grandpa Storn). So many memories of Terry, his voice, his face, his expressions, his no-non-sense approach to life and people are flooding my brain right now; like a fast-forward slide show. i want to tell you about them all; but now is not the time nor is this the right place. Suffice to say that my best-friend Terry was... ... ... ... ...a fresh breath of life, of truth, of honesty in a world so caked w/ niceties, and facades, and false-fronts, and politics. Terry was the directness to my beating around the bush. Terry was the honesty to my tact. Terry was the here-and-now to my tomorrow. Terry was the present to my future.

About a year ago i went to Terry's grave site with my mom after visiting my step-dad's grave. i started to cry but held back because i felt bad that i was getting more emotional at Terry's grave than Joe's which is no indication of my love or lack thereof for my step-father simply an indication of how 'things' sometimes take years to 'hit' me. (My step-day, btw, had another devastatingly difficult end to his life after surviving a massive stroke for seven years that would have killed most people. Hhmmm...a very, very unfortunate pattern is emerging here.) i have been back to Terry's grave since then and cried a little; but not the flood i now know is coming.

I miss you Terry! Not ready to join you, but i miss you something fierce. i need your friendship like never before; i need your honesty and directness and clear-thinking. i am holding myself back; don't know why but it is long-past time to let the chains go. Thank You, Terry! i will deliver your messages when the times come. i wish you were here now. i wish it could have been me instead. Why you? Why in the prime of your life? Why just when you had started a young family with a Heaven-sent wife and two beautiful children?

You faced the worst life has to offer and never once showed even a crack in your faith; never once said, "Why me? Why is this happening?" Never once questioned God or His reasons. You faced worse than most will ever even imagine; and you won. i miss you Terry and will never stop.