LIFE...& death

Several recent events have brought the memories of my dear friend Terry back into focus.

i usually handle my emotions well, or at least i would like to think so. When my grandparents both passed-on within a month of each other in 1998, i did not try to hide my emotions too much. i did so i could be there for my family, particularly my dad. But when it came time to say good-bye to my grandpa when everyone but the immediate family had left, i stepped up to my grandpa one final time and let my emotions overwhelm me. i cried harder than i think i ever have in my life and with no inhibitions. My brother and cousins surrounded and hugged me. Even now my eyes begin to tear up just thinking of him...of them...of that moment. You see grandpa and i, some say, were cut from the say cloth - which is the greatest compliment i, or anyone, could receive. i was not/ still am not anywhere near the man he was; but i still strive to be (though not enough; not everyday like i need to - see post below RE Wasting Time). Grandpa and i even looked alike. Since his death i have thought of him often and cried several times for him and my grandma.

But when my best-friend Terry died five years later in 2003 despite two years of advanced notice, i went numb relying on my cruise control to get me through. i even recall joking around at his funeral and in the 'pall-bearers' car with my best-friends that i had/have known for over 20 years. i even remember thinking shortly after the funeral that i did not cry and thinking it odd.

Terry was diagnosed with ALS - Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, better known as Lou Gehrig's disease, in 2001. Technically he was not diagnosed "with" ALS as ALS is not a disease they can diagnose; they actually eliminate all other possibilities until the only thing left is ALS. i recall being at the airport when Terry and his wife came back from The Mayo Clinic and told everyone right there in the airport. His wife understandably broke down and cried in her mother's arms. Terry did what he always does: smiles his wry-shoulder shrugging smile and said, "What are you going to do?" with his eyes as if it was no big deal.

(ALS is one of the worst diseases known to man. For those that do not know, ALS slowly strips a person of their motor/muscular functions starting from the toes and slowly crawling its insipid way up one's body until the afflicted person dies of respiratory failure because his brain can no longer tell the body to breathe. First muscle tremors, then limited use of one's feet, legs, hands, arms, then the ability to swallow one's saliva. Someone has to use suctions tubes, like those of a dentist, to vacuum out his saliva so he does not choke to death because he no longer has enough control to swallow. )

Over the next two years and three months we spent a lot of time together but never enough. We played golf - he beat me despite the unmistakable signs of ALS in Terry's legs. We played poker - Hi&Low his favorite. We watched movies - The Bourne Identity, specifically.

i spent the night with him a few times to both be with him and attempt to give his Heaven-sent wife a breath of a break. i once helped him go to the bathroom - #2 to be specific. Terry seemed to revel in those moments, in the fact that he was putting one of his best friends in very awkward positions and seeing just how i would handle it/them while he had no visible signs of embarassment. In fact, i am quite sure he enjoyed those moments of putting me in really odd situations. (i will save you the difficulty in reading about the specifics of those moments...for now. If...WHEN i write the book "How to Save a Life" you can read about the details; though, ever the one to shock those close to him, i can hear Terry now, "Aawwww, come on!")

On those nights, lying on the couch next to Terry's hospital bed in his living room listening as Terry struggled for each and every breath, something broke in me; something had to in order to survive. And i was only there temporarily. Terry's wife, and two young children, were there 24/7.

Terry was one of those rare individuals that could say all he needed to say with a look; no words, just a look (interestingly enough just like another man i love and seek to live up to: my grandpa Storn). So many memories of Terry, his voice, his face, his expressions, his no-non-sense approach to life and people are flooding my brain right now; like a fast-forward slide show. i want to tell you about them all; but now is not the time nor is this the right place. Suffice to say that my best-friend Terry was... ... ... ... ...a fresh breath of life, of truth, of honesty in a world so caked w/ niceties, and facades, and false-fronts, and politics. Terry was the directness to my beating around the bush. Terry was the honesty to my tact. Terry was the here-and-now to my tomorrow. Terry was the present to my future.

About a year ago i went to Terry's grave site with my mom after visiting my step-dad's grave. i started to cry but held back because i felt bad that i was getting more emotional at Terry's grave than Joe's which is no indication of my love or lack thereof for my step-father simply an indication of how 'things' sometimes take years to 'hit' me. (My step-day, btw, had another devastatingly difficult end to his life after surviving a massive stroke for seven years that would have killed most people. Hhmmm...a very, very unfortunate pattern is emerging here.) i have been back to Terry's grave since then and cried a little; but not the flood i now know is coming.

I miss you Terry! Not ready to join you, but i miss you something fierce. i need your friendship like never before; i need your honesty and directness and clear-thinking. i am holding myself back; don't know why but it is long-past time to let the chains go. Thank You, Terry! i will deliver your messages when the times come. i wish you were here now. i wish it could have been me instead. Why you? Why in the prime of your life? Why just when you had started a young family with a Heaven-sent wife and two beautiful children?

You faced the worst life has to offer and never once showed even a crack in your faith; never once said, "Why me? Why is this happening?" Never once questioned God or His reasons. You faced worse than most will ever even imagine; and you won. i miss you Terry and will never stop.

Wasting Time

Why is it that knowing full well and consciously clear the beauty of life and each day we are given (by God, imho), i continue to go through periods of my life where i very blatantly waste so much of it?

W/out a tv one would wonder how i can do that? It is simple: by sleeping too much and watching too many tv shows online and movies via dvd. These past two weeks i have slept way too much and watched enough tv to make up for the years of not having a tv.

The good thing is usually, if the pattern of my life continues, i will wake from this depressive slumber to explode into all facets of my life. Kind of like the calm before the storm, my life follows these patterns. i feel the storms rolling in and await them w/ the same anticipation and excitement real storms conjure up inside me.

Things about to change...for the better. Back to the Future where i am firing on all cyclinders; thinking more; doing more; enjoying life more. Back in the Game! Batter-Up!

LESS Maxbps

Ran 11.4 miles Saturday! Then went and played tennis! Luckily it was doubles - we won (6-2, 6-2).

And, all of a sudden i am noticing really cute runners in my running group. One of which started Saturday's run about 30 minutes AFTER i did (i started about 8:05A.M.) and finished about 5-10 minutes faster. Whew! i told her she must have been booking it. Of course, the other end of that equation was that my last 5 miles were sssslllloooowwww. Then again my time was 12:40/mile which is not bad for 11+ miles. She said she was running about 10min/miles but the math does not quite add up. She must have been running about 9 min/miles.

Question for the ladies: How does a guy ask a woman out in a respectfully playful way in semi-social situation like this (running group you see 2x a week but do not really get to know someone)? Just ask them? Hopefully out of ear-shot of others!?! No guts, No glory! Right!?!

Shark Bites: Dogs & Cabinet Tops

Well, well, well...nothing new here.

Sharky is continuing her rebellious, living life on the edge ways. Just the other day it was beautiful in Cincy so i opened the front door and sliding glass door to let a stream of fresh air in and allow Sharky to come in and out as she pleased during the day.

At one point, as i was sitting on my favorite chair Sharky came running in from the back-sliding-glass doors, her hair standing up higher than i have ever seen it, her back arched higher then ever, her tail pointing straight up. She came running over to me w/ her eyes wide open and looking at me like, "Save me dad!" So i jumped up assuming the huge cat that occassionally comes to the back porch was chasing her. But no...it was not a huge cat that was chasing her. It was two huge dogs, one of which was standing w/ all four paws inside my house.

i yelled at it and ran after it. Luckily for me the dog turned and ran. (i am also lucky that i was were i was sitting; otherwise, we would have a very intense chase around my house: cat-dog(s)-me. And i am not sure who would have been chasing whom).

Anyway, the dogs ran away. i am still not sure where they are from b/c i know they are not any of my immediate neighbors' dogs. Crisis averted.

So, a little later i open my sliding glass doors to throw something in the recycle bin and guess who goes running outside like, "Wahoo! Here we go again!"

Then, later that same day i hear something in the kitchen except its coming from up above the cabinets. i look down from my loft and there's my lovable little furball standing on top of my cabinets which are 7-plus-feet high. i came running down after her and she jumps to the counter top, to the floor, and immediate books it for the basement 'cause she knows that is where she is going to end up.

(Since then i caught her on the counter getting ready to leap up onto the fridge to recommense her top-of-the-cabinet search party.)

(BTW...as i write she is in the basement for attacking my feet w/ a little too much claw! Ya gotta love her!)

The Trolley Shuffle

My health habits trials and tribulations continue. My eating habits have improved no more fast -food (or at least a LOT less) though my running habits are still not consistent enough, particularly on Saturday mornings. I have lost and been able to keep about ten pounds off but really should be around 205 by now (instead i am still hovering around 215).

My latest official run was the Shamrock Shuffle in Chicago last weekend (Sunday, March 29th). The trip was fun but too expensive as Chicago's sales taxes have tipped the scales at over 10%. The Shuffle is supposed to be a big party but we did not partake after the race opting instead to have breakfast at Orange - fresh oj and good food but better company (Al & Bridgette). It was particularly fun pulling Al's leg as Bridgette asked me questions...i mean A question about Al as she is only allowed to ask me one each time she sees me - Al's rules. So w/o her having to ask me any questions i volunteered as many embarassing stories about Al as i could remember - we could have been there until dinner and i would not have even begun to run out of them. (BTW...that reminds me, Bridgette, i owe you those pictures of Al's 'naked-karoake' debut.)

One of the best parts of the trip to chi-town was Alison's 30th B-day party trolley. i met Alison and a few of her friends for the first time Saturday morning as they were walking to the Race Expo where they and Al were volunteering for ACS (American Cancer Society). Despite having just met them, i was graciously invited to Alison's 30th B-day trolley-trip. The trolley-night ended at a bar w/ a good band whose lead singer was scantily clad and had gorgeous grey eyes. We left the bar alittle after 1AM. The band, of course had to close the place at about 2:30AM. Despite the late night, after running the 8k race who do i see? The singer of the band! She put on a great show to all hours of the night then woke up (or never went to sleep) to run an 8k (5m) race the next morning.

Another highlight of my weekend was having dinner with Marji who has been an inspiration for me in both running and starting/maintaining this blog. Marji looked great, enthusiastic, and all smiles just like i remembered her when we met for the first and only other time a year ago. (Thank you again, Marji.)

Next year at this time, though, i have to run Cincy's Mini-Heart Marathon which is actually a 15k race will killer hills. Plus, i will going to the Cincinnati Reds' 2009 Opening Day which is a Cincy tradition like no-other complete with a big parade, all-day party, game - of course, then more partying. Any and all, including my Chicago friends, are more than welcome to join me next year for truly traditional Opening Day in Cincinnati - a unique party w/ America's greatest past-time!

Enjoy your 2008 Spring(s)!!!